Wavy Hair and Coleman Ranahan

By Coleman Ranahan

Superbowl Sunday has been a pinnacle for wing establishments all over the country, but today was a blow for the industry when people who tweet about the superbowl and people who bitch about the people tweeting about the Superbowl came together and acknowledged the local wing joint down the street has “gone down the shitter.”

A local Chicago man said, “You know, dese (these) wings went from high heaven to da (the) basement pretty damn quickly. Ditka never woulda let dis happen!” The local joint received even more vitriol thrown in it’s direction when it decided to end the party package deal which shut up all the meatball fans.

One fan who couldn’t wait to watch the superbowl read the tweets outside the joint entrance and curled up into a fetal posistion, started crying, and then began speaking in hash tags.

Local football hater Julian Smith saw the man crying on the street and immediately leaped to his his defense. “Listen, I hate the Superbowl, but if you have bad wings, well, there’s just no point in living anymore.”

The local joint acknowledged that their wings have gone downhill since their head cook died after the Bears lost the Superbowl in 2007. Jesse Owens, owner of the local joint, says he’s glad that he got to watch haters and lovers of football come together though. “They’re helping us help them. It feels good.”